Alone in a Pain Unseen

Thunder strikes
And limbs crack
The heart explodes
In defeat

The things wanted
Are worthless
People looked at
Are longed for

Why do I want
That which I condemn?
Why do I make
Me hate myself?

What keeps me drawn
To this sadistic addiction?
Why do I see temptations
All around me?

What can I do?
I don't want this
What can I say?
No one understands

I see their eyes
Their arms, everything
I see temptation
Only masochistic

For it destroys me
I writhe in seeing.
I know I can't have
What is before me

I know they aren't like me
I know I'm not to be this way
I know I'm wrong
But it never stops

I never stop, they never stop
I always look, they always don't
I always hope, they never know
I kill myself this way
Eternally... for a hope

And only one so sadistic
As to wish for someone else
To suddenly have it too

And only one so masochistic
As to have it destroy me
Every single time

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This is just about my spiritual struggle and, obviously, temptation. The "eternally..." part is hinting towards the price of sin, hell. This poem was inspired by a day waiting at church and it was cloudy. I looked up at a tree, after being sad about temptation and things, and imagined a thunder-bolt hitting the tree, as a metaphor for what I feel.